Tuesday, September 20, 2005
One more day and it's official. It will be one year already. One year ago, i was standing at the bus stop outside CK Tangs with my Celeste dearie when i received the news. I was on my way to celebrate Zhiqi and Munchie's birthday. That time, i was still very optimistic. I believed that since she has always been so strong, battling cancer shouldn't be impossible.
Now, i know. She was strong yes, but also very stubborn. She could have battle it. But she refuses to do so cos she herself knew that it was in the terminal stage and also cos she didn't wanna be a burden to the rest of her family. I still remember what happened when i went to visit her one day. My mummy was staying over and so i thought i should drop by for a visit after school. She insisted that my mummy went to sleep and so my mum, in order to pacify my her, did as she was told. Before my mum went to bed, she gave me specific instructions not to let my grandma do anything at all. However, the moment my mum went to sleep, my grandma stood up and started doing all the housework. She was already so weak at that time and yet, she insisted that she hangs the clothes out to dry, wash Samuel's shirts (BY HAND!!!) and she even wanted to sweep the floor. When i offered to help, she would chase me out of the kitchen. Thinking back, it was kinda funny how i kept going to the kitchen to look in the fridge just to keep an eye on her. Haaahhaz~ she was stubborn till we had to resort to such methods.
But it was this stubborn-ness that made me ask God to let her go. My aunts and mummy were crying so much because they really really wanted to help relieve her of all the pain but she refuses to let them help. And when she eventually does ask for help, we know that her condition has gotten worse and she is one step nearer to God. It was because of her stubborn nature that when we saw her lying on the bed so helpless, we knew that she was suffering more now than even before. If she had a choice, she would really just choose to end her life. She was a woman with such great pride. She would never wanna live to let us see her the way she was. And this was why we were praying to ask God to let her go. Let her go with some pride. She has had enough.
Haiz... i have no clue why i've been thinking so much about her these few days. Maybe cos it's nearing the 1 year anniversary so i think more? Well, like i've already mentioned, there's no way i can bring her back to life. I'll just hafta treasure those who are still around then.
YYY
